.. Parenting, parenting, parenting...
That's definitely not one of my favourite words right now.
Where to start...? Do all parents feel like failures most of the time?
I have a 3 , soon 4 year old who tells me he "I like daddy, not you". 'i'm so angry with you', he asks me to ' leave me alone mamma' and he hits me.
He does this about once a day. One time every day, I get at least one of the above. Mixed up with 'Sorry mamma' and I love you mamma' of course. But its the other things that stick. They hurt and I feel sad, and mad. I do get mad. I tell him I don't appreciate it. I tell him it makes me sad.
I tell him off when he doesn't want to hold my hand when we are out and about. I get extra stressed when we are on the tube. I mean, we're about 2 m from a fast incoming train , at any given minute. it scares the shit out of me.
I have no patience. I scream and I shout , to myself, but of course he can hear me. I feel overwhelmed with every aspect of being a mother, running a house , with all that comes with it. Having a family that I want to provide for, that I NEED to provide for, with all that I can. I want to give them more that what I can now. I need to move upwards, and find a platform where I can strive. I have one, in a way, but I need more, bigger and better. Bigger and better me that is. I need to be better at everything.
Perhaps I'm not made for this life after all. I am not made to be a mother of a child , living in a big big city. I feel like a failure every day.